You thought you’d finally found your soulmate—only to find out that they’re asexual. What do you do now?
Asexuality is sometimes referred to as ace; people who are asexual feel little or no sexual desires, even to partners they may connect to emotionally. Their lack of desire causes all kinds of complications in their sexual relationships.
So what can do you do when you find out your partner is asexual? Let’s take a look:
1. Can Asexual People Have Sex? Does this make a Husband and Wife be Sexually Incompatible?
The idea of being with a partner that isn’t sexually attracted to you is hard to stomach for anyone, but forcing them into having sex isn’t going to do you any favors.
Some individuals who identify as asexual, don’t have any sexual desire or sexual attraction whatsoever. Some people who are indifferent to the idea of sex while others are repulsed by it.
Forcing an asexual partner who isn’t comfortable into having sex can be devastating for relationships—and wrong!
For you and your partner’s emotional wellbeing, you’re going to have to decide whether you want to remain in such a relationship. If yes, then both of you will have to figure out how to meet each other’s needs.
2. Decide Whether You’re Willing to Stay In A Sexless Marriage
Being celibate is a choice, asexuality isn’t. Contrary to what people think, asexuality isn’t a “condition” that needs to be fixed. Being accepting is the key to understanding your Partner’s asexuality and it does not necessarily mean you are not sexually compatible. Azizeh E. Rezaiyan is an experienced sex therapist and can help you work through potential road blocks in your relationship.
People can become asexual due to some form of trauma in their lives, but many people asexual people are born that way—and that’s perfectly fine! Asexuality is a type of sexual orientation; it’s the same as being straight, gay or bisexual.
If you’ve decided to stay in the relationship and remain celibate, think of how you can make it work despite your sexual incompatibility, instead of trying to change your partner.
3. Avoid Pressuring Your Partner
Your partner is already living with the fact that they are different from most people; they don’t need you to make matters worse by pressuring them into doing something they aren’t comfortable with.
When you’ve made the decision to stay in the relationship, accept your partner for who they are and quit blaming them for something they can’t control!
4. Why is Sexual Communication Important in Relationships?
If you’re going to make this work, you’re going to have to communicate openly with your partner about your sexual needs and how they can be met. In the meantime, you’ll also have to set boundaries to make sure your partner is never uncomfortable with you.
Even when you aren’t sexually compatible, a relationship can still work. Working with a relationship counselor and sexologist could give you the tools to make your relationship last.
Azizeh Rezaiyan is a marriage counselor at Silicon Valley Marriage Counseling based in Palo Alto in the Bay Area. She specializes in couple’s counseling, family meditation, anxiety treatments, and other psychotherapy treatments.
8 Comments Leave a comment
I’ve gotten close with someone asexual, and everything about her is wonderful. We decided to not perdue things because of my need for intimacy but it’s obvious we still really care for each other. With my last partner I was having sex up to twice a day, is there no possibility for a relationship being successful? She even suggested I have someone else on the side which doesn’t sound right at all.
This article have literally zero information on how to help. It just said “accept them for who they are!” Over and over.
Thanks for your comments.
I enjoyed reading them and thought that it was very useful to me!
I am in a gay relationship; a good one! We’ve been together for the past 30 years and I will add that it has been a very interesting and loving relationship.
However, I have to add that it appears that it is my spouse who gets us in this type of relationship.
I have to admit: I do find it quite frustrating. I would like it if we at least were given such an important part of life.
I love him; he loves me. We do share quite a bit of affection and we have a very decent life together.
Except that I am missing something that I believe is very nice and productive.
What can I do?
I would not feel comfortable to ask my spouse to get into some therapy. I don’t think it would work.
I am tempted to believe that Jon would not want to get into something that I, myself, could be very productive!
What should I do?
I would be very happy to read your approach and eventually some good advice.
Thanks a million,
All of this is about the poor asexual and how his/her partner should not pressure him/her and offer complete acceptance. What about the poor spouse who was duped into a sexless marriage by the asexual who wasn’t honest about his/her condition? What about THAT partner? I say “condition” because I do not subscribe to the belief that asexuality is an “orientation.”
Hi, my boyfriend of many years has recently come out to me as aegosexual (attracted to the idea of sex but not the physical act). This was a bit of a shock to me because a few months prior we were having quite a lot of sex and he seemed fine then we started doing it less and less then once every few months. Now we never do it since he came out. It took a bit of a toll on me mentally because I can’t help but blame myself. And I would identify myself as hyper sexual. I see all over everywhere that we are supposed to compromise where I would want to possibly do something once every few months but for him he will refuse until we are trying for kids. I don’t want to try ask to compromise because I know this is probably harder on him than me but I really do miss it a lot and miss the small rush of happiness it would give me and wish he could maybe compromise to let us do it occasionally but I don’t think it’s my place. I don’t know what to do, I won’t ever break up with him over it because I love him so much more than sex but I miss sex so so much and wish he could consider even doing a single thing with me again. (Polygamy is not an option)
This didn’t really help the partner on the other side of the relationship who isn’t asexual. It just tells you, don’t do this, don’t do that. This article already presents itself like it’s my fault for not being asexual. We have feelings too, and there’s nothing wrong with our feelings. But this article presents itself in a passive aggressive way, like we’re the ones that need help, when truly, neither side needs help but to better understand what each of us are going through.
I think my husband is asexual… i have been destroyed over the last 15 years and it sounds like you are saying the sexual partner has to do it all to make it work. Sure! I have no confidence, self esteem… anxiety… can hardly force myself to go in public but let me do all this for the man that made me feel that way just so HE will be comfortable.
I have been with my partner for 15yrs and we love each other very much but my partner had a big trauma 2012 his dad took a massive heart attack and died then 8weeks later his mum died suddenly but it was before that he does not have any interest in sex,intimacy, cuddles etc.
He doesn’t know why but that’s 9yrs without anything, I’m only 44yrs and he’s only 50yrs, I really miss cuddles but he doesn’t want to talk to anyone even me all he said is that sex doesn’t enter his mind.