Broadly speaking, there are numerous reasons why experts believe relationships do not work out. The failing of a relationship for whatever reason can be anything from disappointing to downright traumatic.
Be this as it may, there are certain things that do not help the situation one bit. Quite the opposite. These actions and behaviors serve only to add to the resentment, emotional stress and other damages.
Behaviors and Actions to Avoid
There are a number of things you can do to address a separation or divorce in a healthy manner. The actions and behaviors mentioned below are NOT some of them and for good reason. Here are behaviors and actions you should avoid to the best of your abilities following a separation of any kind!
The first thing to avoid is incessant calling or messaging. You’ve already tried coming to some sort of agreement or compromise to no avail. The decision has been to take time and space apart. Stick with it not just for the other person but for yourself as well.
Honoring the promise of space will likely give both of you the room you need to heal. Constantly reaching out only re-agitates the situation to a point that even if you might have been able to reconcile, you pretty much kill your chances!
Back and Forth
Sometimes though both you and your partner are clear on the fact that time and space is what you need, it is easier said than done. Besides the fact that you two are used to each other, the degree of emotional investment might lead the two of you to keep trying to get back.
In this situation, it is most common to be disappointed as in most cases you will likely have the same nasty fight all over again! The best course of action is to stick with whatever you decided until you are clear on the matter.
Never ever use what you had and what you did for each other as leverage. Just because you know the person cares doesn’t mean it is okay to threaten them with your own wellbeing or lack of.
If the fact that it is manipulative is not enough, understand that such behaviors quickly loose affect and multiply resentment.
Always honor yourself and respect what the other felt and might still feel for you. Emotional blackmail only drives people away.
Dragging in the Kids
This one is another toxic behavior that people do at times without even realizing it. Using your children to get to your partner is one of the worst things you can do both for your relationship and more so for the kids.
This would include cutting the partner off from seeing them unless they agree to your terms, poisoning children against your partner and using the children to communicate for you. Other behaviors include using the children to find out about your partners activities.
Besides role modeling the worst of adult behavior you are confusing your children emotionally. Even if your partner does agree to get back into the relationship because you leveraged your kids, we can assure you it will not end well for anyone.
Thinking They Owe You
Maybe when in a relationship, you and your partner owed each other a degree of disclosure and detail about each other’s lives as well as care. Do not assume that they will necessarily do any of this post a divorce. They do not owe it to you and are likely hurting just as you are in their own way.
Clinging to What Was
This one is for you more than anyone else. Even if you somehow do manage to get back to your relationship, it will likely be a different dynamic. Further, if you do not, your life must go on regardless.
Appreciating what you have and taking ownership for your part is important. Just try not to get into a cycle of self-punishment and yearning for something that you might well have already lost.
Can’t Do it On Your Own
If you feel like all this is too much for you to manage on your own it is perfectly normal. These life changes are not small and support, help and care is needed to get through them in a healthy way.
Counselling is a great way to process even the most painful of experiences and emotions. If you’re looking for a reliable therapist who works with male depression as well as relationship and marriage counselling in Palo Alto, you have options.
Azizeh E. Rezaiyan is a highly qualified and licensed therapist working with both English and Farsi speaking clients with over two decades of experience with individuals and couples alike.
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