Men in the world today are being called out left right and center and sometimes for good reason. Not more than three to five generations ago, men could get away with a lot including polygamy and infidelity but now we’ve evolved as a species and know holding our men (and boys) accountable for their actions helps in character building

For the most part, men today are doing better than their ancestors. They are generally better informed, more mindful of other’s space personal space and have a sense of personal accountability. ‘Boys will be boys’ is an idea that is tossed about a lot less carelessly today.

The Damages Among Men

While most men nowadays are focused ]on being the best versions of themselves there are still those struggling with simpler or at times, more complicated internal growth processes. One area where certain men seem to fumble is the establishment of consistency within romantic relationships.

What’s is even more alarming is that many men seem to seek out women who are already committed in some capacity or the other. So what’s this all about? Why is it that some men seem to have a desire or inclination towards falling for and sometimes seducing other peoples partners? Let’s find out.

Lack of Positive Role Models

Many men seek out partners happily committed because of negative role modeling. While growing up, they may have seen their fathers, uncles, and grandfathers or other male authority figures behave in a certain way and may have concluded that is how the world works.

In such cases, it is not uncommon for such men to repeat the same behaviors that they may have witnessed and wrongfully idealized when still young. Remember, a child does not need to see his parents in action. Children are smart and fighting parents coupled with the eventual absence of one parent is enough for most kids to subconsciously put two and two together.

Power Play

Out of all the elements of the patriarchy, the association of a man’s worth with dominance and power play is possibly the most toxic. Many men who end up getting romantically involved with those already committed to other people may feel quite inadequate under the surface.

For such individuals, getting someone to stray from a prior intimate commitment, particularly one with another man serves as validation. In other words, the fact that the man in question could steal away, distract or charm someone devoted to another man makes them feel like the alpha and feeds their ego.

High Self-Deprecation

As many of you know, gender does exist on a spectrum. There are a lot of internal processes common to both men and women and low self-esteem is one of them. Like in the case of women who seek unavailable men, men who do the same may have self esteem issues.

They may feel like no one will ever love them and that is why they continue engaging with someone for whom they are a side interest. The issue with this type of relationship is it does nothing for the low self esteem however the person involved sticks it out in the hope that things will get better.

Fear of Commitment

This is another trait that predominantly resides in both men and women. Much like women, men may also need to seek out pre-committed partners thinking that they would not have to invest in the relationship. A married woman with kids will not demand exclusivity and is probably not going to rush you to get your life together so you can settle down or push to have kids in a hurry because her clock is ticking.

This model might make sense if you were dating a divorcee or a widow but it’s a different story if the person’s partner is alive and well and their relationship is formally intact. A fear of committing in a relationship 100% can sometimes lead men to go for women who are unavailable.

The Darker Side of What’s Already Alarming

If you’re a man who is currently involved with another man or woman who is committed, you might need to take into account the consequences of this relationship. If the points above don’t rattle you, think about the damage you may be doing knowingly or unknowingly.

The person who you have a romantic relationship with has a life that is likely being derailed because of your mutual actions. Furthermore, you’re probably doing irreparable damage to the person’s family, particularly to the partner who is being cheated on. Infidelity or having romantic encounters outside of the relationship or marriage, according to research, can result in PTSD and other problems so we’re not talking about anything small here.

Further, if there are children in the picture, you’re probably impacting their lives and may be hindering their normal intellectual as well as emotional development. You might not want to think about all this and if you still do, because chances are, that indicates that you’re not a bad person altogether!

How Can I Better Myself?

If, after reading this blog, you are thinking you need some help dealing with the problems discussed above, you have come to the right place. One way you can get the space to better understand yourself and in doing so, be a better human being is by connecting with a therapist.

If you’re located in Palo Alto and  looking for support  or infidelity coun selign or counseling for relationships, depression, anxiety or anything else, we’re here to help. Human beings are designed to survive. What we need to do is make sure that our means of emotional survival do not put others in harm’s way!