Couples who fight together, stay together; or at least that’s what research says. That’s right! According to a survey of 1000 people, couples who argued effectively lived happier lives than those who didn’t.
In fact, co-author of New York Times bestseller, Crucial Conversations also believe that couples who regularly argue about their problems have a better chance of surviving relationships than those who just bottle everything up! However, as endearing and domestically blissful it can be to be fighting like an ‘old married couple’; it can get old pretty quickly. As a result, you find yourself in a rut, having the same argument again and again.
But why do we keep having the same fight? Can we pull a stop to this chain? Let’s find out!
Working on Your Exit Strategy
When the fire alarm goes off, it’s usually the people who panic that get stomped in a stampede. Arguments in relationships are no different than a fire. Running away might save you from the outside, but if you don’t build a functional exit strategy, the inside of your home with burn down to ashes! That’s why you should find your footing and take a minute to assess the situation before storming out of the argument.
Another reason why you need to gauge your own exit strategy rather than your partner’s is that you’re the boss of yourself, not them. You can alter your ways and expect them to change accordingly rather than forcing them into behaving a certain way without making any amends to yourself.
You Don’t Always Have To Be Right
Self-righteousness can be a serious threat to most relationships. Although there are a few things in a relationship that are universally in the wrong, for example, infidelity, lying, etc— sometimes it’s your ego that drives the pointless argument. It doesn’t mean you should always be the one to back down and accept defeat, but it does beg the question if you value your relationship more than your point of argument.
It also gives you the chance to reflect on your mistakes and makes your partner see what your relationship means to you to have made the sacrifice to lose the fight. As a result, your partner is also left to assess their behavior, bringing the two of you closer than ever!
Usually in an argument both parties are hell bent on out-yelling the other. But in this shouting match, you’re never able to convey your grievances and even when you make up afterwards there’s still some leftover resentment that get buries only to surface in the next argument! To break this vicious cycle someone has to do the listening.
So why don’t you start? Even if you find you’re aggravated at what your partner has to say, clamber up and actually listen to what they are saying. Remember, you both love each other and your goal is to find mutual love and respect, that’s why no matter how absurd your partner’s argument, listening to it will not only help you understand their point of view but will also navigate your line of argument to find similar grounds.
Talk to an Expert
Photo credits: yanalya
If the fight continues and becomes exhausting to the point of mental breakdown for one or both the parties there might be deep-seated issues that need to be addressed. In order to have a healthy discussion about such conflicts, get in touch with relationships expert, Azizeh Rezaiyan. Azizeh is a renowned marriage counselor in Palo Alto who also specializes in sex therapy for troubled couples.